Today would be my 36th wedding anniversary, if I were still celebrating the date. And two days from now, I will have been divorced for 10 years. Also a day I am not exactly celebrating. What is different for me this time around is that I am unaccountably sadder than I have been for a long while as I contemplate both of these dates.
Is it because of the forced isolation due to COVID-19? Maybe. I just learned of the word / emotion Acedia, which is a long-lost Greek concept written about in monkish circles during the 5th century. Acedia gathers up the nebulous-and-vague-yet-true-to-my-experience “strange combination of listlessness, undirected anxiety, and inability to concentrate” into one tidy basket (one of the things I LOVE about words and it seems that other languages have so many more of them).
Or maybe it’s because it’s human nature to mark time in 10-year cycles and I was bound to reflect on this as a milestone or trail marker. Could be.
Whatever the cause, today has gobsmacked me with this onslaught of emotion. I have lately realized that I’m thinking more about all the years that we spent side by side, when trusting in his support and partnership was a given, and confiding in him and commiserating with him was a daily balm to my spirit. I miss the fellowship of living life and making plans together. I’ve lost my together.
Of course I have people in my life who support me and love me. But at the end of the day it’s still just me, my life and future that are impacted by my actions and decisions, and that has become kind of heavy. Being single in a couples world has become tiresome.
I survived the wreckage ten years ago, and even as I’ve rebuilt my life and am grateful for God’s provision for me, I’m remembering. Not the charred pieces and smoldering remains that held my attention for awhile after the divorce. Now I’m remembering the flight. We went to some lovely places together over 20+ years. We did. Sometimes the view was breathtaking, and I miss flying.
So I journal. And as I pour out my sadness, I realize that this is a lament. And that’s when I know I have turned the corner. I’ve been here before and it causes a flood of gratitude. And the gratitude I feel gives me another wave of gratitude because this feels like growth, like the stretching of a muscle.
I’ve learned the beauty of biblical lament. Biblical lament, unlike sheer, unadulterated venting (which also has a place, along with ugly crying), turns to God. And that’s where this is headed. And I am grateful.
I turn to others for their wisdom about biblical lament. In consulting the dictionary, I learn that the word lament is rooted in the Latin root planctus or plaint, a striking or beating of the breast in grief, and also a protest or complaint. In the Old and New Testaments I find 18 different word roots for lament, lamentable, and lamentation(s) (in Strong’s Concordance and Zodhiates’ Word Study Dictionary – New Testament). Lamenting is a commonplace experience that is, at least in Hebrew and Greek, known by many names.
More than one third of the Psalms are laments, and they tend to follow a pattern. Before I understood this, I sometimes wondered how the psalmist’s bitter words and palpable angst suddenly turned into a hymn of praise to God a few verses later. It seemed fake, or as though there were pieces missing from the puzzle. As Mark Vroegop explains in Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament, there are commonly four elements: Turn to God, Bring your complaint, Ask boldly for help, Choose to trust. When one completes the first three, it seems, arriving at the fourth is a natural conclusion.
I’ve found the experience of lament does, ultimately, take me to a place of healing. As I unload the specifics of my sorrow on God and ask him to comfort and strengthen me, or resolve my situation, I am inevitably led to a place of gratitude. Is it because I’m a Christian and I am conditioned by the pattern of the psalms to wind up there? Or is it because unleashing my sorrow to God causes me to consider who God is, resulting in my acknowledgement of his sovereignty and provision?
All I know is, the reading I was led to today in my sadness confirmed concepts I have slowly worked out over the past 10 years, and it felt like God was nodding his head. Regardless how lousy my day began, that’s a good feeling. The desperate conversation with God that began around the time of my divorce started with the words Hope and Brave. Those were the two words I felt God give me at that time. I tried to be hopeful and brave. A few years later, God gave me the word Trust, so I began to examine what that word meant and tried to trust God with my todays and tomorrows. After that, I came across the book about lament by Mark Vroegop and realized that I had been following the pattern of biblical lament throughout my years of journaling.
Today I came upon words from Aubrey Sampson, who wrote The Louder Song, Listening for Hope in the Midst of Lament: “Lament can lead us back to a place of hope (HOPE, PEOPLE!) — not because lamenting does anything magical, but because God sings a louder song than suffering ever could, a song of resurrection, renewal, restoration and recreation.”
A louder song. (“Those who wish to sing always find a song” Swedish proverb … The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17). Do you see the trail I followed today?
Once again, carried along by the pathway of lament, I turned the corner.
I found a video with Elizabeth Lewis Hall, Ph.D. professor at Rosemead School of Psychology, Biola University, recorded at a gathering for the University’s Center for Christian Thought in March of 2019. Her words about lament are like a benediction to all I’ve felt today as I’ve reviewed the past 10 years.
“Lament is a powerful practice for embedding us firmly in the Christian story. And that helps us to find meaning in our struggle…In praying through lament, the structure of a lament begins to restore some sense of order in the midst of chaos…lament doesn’t get stuck in the experience of the suffering but instead there is a kind of constructive peace to lament.”
That is what I experienced this morning. Restoring a sense of order.
Madeleine L’Engle wrote that the impulse behind all art is driven by the desire “to give a name to the cosmos we see despite all the chaos.” Maybe that’s it: in giving voice to my sorrow, I seek to find (or create?) meaning.
Years ago, I wondered “what does hope look like for me now?” I’ve come to see that hope looks a lot like peaceful, expectant trust — trust that the outcome is planned and delivered by God, and that it is good. Maybe that’s why God gave me the two words separately, knowing that once I planted hope, I would yield trust.
I have come to the realization that I am not hoping for something. I am hoping in someone. My hope is in the Lord. That means when I have certain unmet longings, I need to plant my hope in Christ, and trust in God’s care and provision for me. Has my situation changed? No. I’m still caught between the day of my wedding and the day of my divorce. But giving myself space and permission to lament today has helped me get my bearings and regain equilibrium, and I have turned the corner.
Karna Eastlund Haugen 
Karma, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart. ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Inger 😊
Beautiful words. I am learning some more about lament in this season, in the upheaval of 2020. Thank you for sharing your own journey of lament, hope, and trust.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Britta. We really are all in this together, apart. 😊
Reading this made me want to give you a hug.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Una, and for the virtual hug! 😊
Karna –
Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. I KNOW this blog will be a lifesaver for others. You have been gifted with a real command of words, feelings and deep thinking. You have found a wonderful outreach. Your blogs have deeply touched me.
Write on… Dena
Sent from my iPhone
>
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Dena, and for YOUR encouraging words😊
This was really good. Your writing and your well thought out ideas and words
Sent from my iPad
>
Well thought out ideas and beautifully written….❤️
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Kathy, and for YOUR kind words.😊
So meaningful – so honest and God-exalting. You referenced one of the glistening gifts in this practice of biblical lament. It is the rest we discover when our hope “for” something gives way to a hope “in” God Himself. Like you, Karna, I found Mark Vroegop’s book to be so very helpful. The practice of biblical lament can move us honestly toward hope. You wrote beautifully and thoughtfully and piercingly, Karna. There is a richness and grace and authentic edge to your writing that magnifies Jesus. Ann and I send our love.
So meaningful – this practice of biblical lament is honest, painful, and hope-enlarging. And as you noted – it is hope not merely FOR something, but hope IN someone. It is hope that finds rest in God and all He is for us through Jesus. As you know, Karna, I was greatly helped by that book by Mark Vroegop about biblical lament. You write honestly and thoughtfully and piercingly, Karna. You magnify the adequacy and grace of the LORD. Ann and I send our love.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Tim, and for sharing Mark Vroegop’s book with me at a pivotal time. I appreciate your encouragement. 😊
I don’t know how I missed seeing / replying to your thoughts here, Tim. Thank you. You and Ann have been of wonderful support to me over the years, and I appreciate that more than I can say.
My heart is heavy remembering – yet I rejoice in your trust in the Lord. Your writing is beautiful!
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Kelly, and for YOUR encouraging words. 😊
Thanks so much for sharing this, Karna. It’s written beautifully and poignantly.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Eva, and for YOUR kind words. 😊
Beautifully penned, capturing so much of my own experience. Thank you for giving voice to something I could not pin down. I will linger with your words for a while. Blessings to you.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Rachel — I’m glad they were meaningful to you. 😊
Thank you Karna. This really helped me today. I will get the book you referenced. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Deb — I’m glad they were helpful to you! 😊
Karna, that was well written and so thoughtful for you to share your heartaches and joys. It reminded me of what has helped me get through the difficult trials of life and I share it with you now.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed a dream. I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don’t understand why, when I need You most, You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
Footprints in the Sand Meaning
The Footprints in the Sand prayer is special to so many Christians because it speaks directly to our unique relationship with God. Our faith in God does not excuse us from experiencing hardship and sadness.
The reality is that we all go through ups and downs in our lives. Sometimes God walks beside us, and other times He must carry us.
When times are good, we are quick to thank God for his kindness. For instance, when we meet our soulmate, it feels as if God put two people in the same place for a very special purpose – like it was meant to be.
If we were to look behind us the first time we met our spouse, we would see two sets of footprints: “one belonging to me and one to my Lord.”
On the other hand, when our relationships are rocky, it can often feel like God is no longer working to keep us together with the person we love so much. No matter what we try, we cannot recreate that same spark we had the day we first met the love of our life.
When times are tough and we turn around to look at our footprints in the sand, we might only see one set of footprints.
You might assume, since there is only one set of footprints in the sand, that they are your own. After all, when we pray for God’s guidance but our relationships do not immediately improve, it feels like God is no longer walking with us.
Suddenly, it feels like we are alone on this journey.
During troublesome times in your life, you might wonder, like the author of Footprints in the Sand, why when you need God the most, He would leave you?
The truth is that He was with you all along, even when you were sad. However, instead of walking beside you, he was carrying you.
One of the most inspiring lines from the poem is when God says “When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
Although the Footprints in the Sand prayer does not appear in the bible, some believe that it’s based on scripture. For instance, Deuteronomy 1:31 says “There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.”
This bible verse shares much of the same sentiment as the poem. When we need help, God carries us like a father carries his child.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Bob & Jan — and for the text of Footprints in the Sand. It’s very comforting. 😊
Thanks for your honest and beautifully written words.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words, Julie — and for your encouraging words.😊
Dear Karna, thank you for bearing your soul and giving such grace and hope in such a personal struggle. We are blessed by the wisdom you offer to hope and trust in God, through our time of lament. We sure did enjoy some fun times with your wonderful family, and we will not forget them. Thank you for sharing your this very personal longing for what was once a wonderful time of life. We won’t loose those happy times, they will always be ours to cherish. I’m praying for you today. May God keep you at peace in this time of lament. You feel so deeply. Love you, Karna.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, Carol 😊
Your words “single in a couples world” really hit me. I was hit hard a few years after moving to the metro by the realization that this really is a couples world. Everywhere I looked everyone I knew had their own somebody they’d want to spend their down time with. It’s very lonely at times. I k ow how you feel all too well.
Yep, it’s a strange thing to get used to. And I don’t care for it.